At the moment, nothing in my life is certain. In fact, every aspect of life my life is a big fat question mark. Do I have what it takes to pass the bar...on the first try? If I do, will I even find a job in this market? If I do, will it be enough to pay for the mound of school loans? Will I ever get married and have a family?
But in the midst of all these uncertainties, I've learned what it means to be still and just let go. And it's not the kind of letting go you do when all other means have failed and you are forced to throw in the towel. Instead, it's an intentional letting go of this tight grip I have on my life that just blisters my little heart the harder I think and the harder I try. It's a letting go of my fleshly desire to orchestrate every single day, week, month, year that's coming up ahead and to die to my inclination to make everything go according to my plan. Ultimately, it's a letting go of my agenda and asking God, "What is Yours?"
In this stillness, I’ve experienced a transformation in the way I view my circumstances. Of course, I can’t say I’m completely free of anxiety regarding my future, but what I have noticed is that the amount of time in which I linger in those types of thoughts are much shorter and insignificant than it used to be. The reality of my situation remains unchanged, yet everything has changed.
Most notably, my prayers have changed and the posture in which I pray has changed. I'm not so hunched over in fear, doubt, shame and guilt. I'm not so busy divulging my sins unto the Lord and rambling on about my needs, but have become silent in trying to discern His. I'm really getting to know Him. And kinda embarrassing to admit, but now there's actually some room to genuinely be concerned about others in my life and recognize that their struggles are as real as mine.
Over these past few months of sitting in this quiet place, I've come to realize that God doesn’t always perform the most obvious miracles in our lives. We may never experience the radical healing of sickness or “water turning into wine” moments. But for me, this shift in perception is a miracle just as powerful as these.
I guess in that respect, I have been healed! I was paralyzed by skepticism as well as my own self-righteousness. But now I can walk upright and take steps -- granted, small steps -- to trusting and maturing in Him.
Kelly is a third-year law school student at Southwestern Law school in hopes of becoming an employment litigation attorney. She loves outdoor activities, eating good food with good company, and her family and Louie, her dog. She currently serves in the Worship Ministry as a vocalist, and attends the Buena Park Ekklesia.